can anyone help me to correct this essay??

When Kester arrived the castle, he saw dozens of undead soldiers standing in front of the entrance, guarding the castle. Kester tried to find another way to get in the castle, but he knows there is no way since the undeads are guarding.

Kester took out the Phoenix crossbow（鳳凰弓）？ that a warrior called Ricardo gave it to him. The crossbow can let him be unbeatable in 24 hours, but he must sacrifices one of the things that he love the most for exchanging the power of phoenix.
我認為你好creative，呢篇文好interesting，不過，有少少錯處我想提出，請不要見怪。first，我查5度咩系"undead"，其實你系唔系想話"壯烈"的士兵?我建議你用"brave"取代"undead"。另外(1st para第3句)， knows -->knowed，are --->were
sor，我唔知咩系" Phoenix crossbow"
eventually，he must sacrifices-->sacrifice one of the things that he love-->loved the most for exchanging the power of phoenix.

When Kester arrived at the castle, he found that dozens of immortal soldiers standing in front of the entrance, guarding the castle. Kester tried to find another way to get in the castle. But he knew that there was no other way except the entrance guarded by the immortal soldiers.

Kester took out the Phoenix crossbow which was given to him by a warrior called Ricardo. The crossbow could make Kester unbeatable within 24 hours. However, in exchange for the power of the phoenix, Kester had to sacrifice one of the things that he loved the most.


** I assumed what you meant by "undead" was "will not die"; hence, I used the word "immortal" to describe the soldiers. **

When Kester arrived AT the castle, he saw dozens of SURVIVING soldiers standing in front of the entrance, guarding the castle. Keister tried to find another way to get in the castle, but he KNEW that there WAS no way since the SURVIVING SOLDIERS were guarding IT.
Kester took out the Phoenix crossbow THAT WAS GIVEN BY A WARRIOR CALLED RICARDO. The crossbow could HELP HIM TO BE UNBEATABLE in 24 hours, but he MUST HAVE TO SACRIFICE one of the things that he LOVED most for exchanging the power of Phoenix.
EXPLANATION:
undead- You should use the word SURVIVING.






2008-01-17 00:23:07 補充：
Please read : that he loved the most INSTEAD OF that he loved most.