英文作文！！關於聖誕節！！（１０分）

書面語：

今天是聖誕節，我很早便起床了。當我起床的時候，我發現床前的聖誕襪裡有一份十分漂亮的禮物，真令我十分驚訝！

之後，我便和爸爸、媽媽一起開這份禮物看，
原來是我最喜愛的玩具車。

黃昏的時候，
我和爸爸、媽媽、妹妹便去了尖沙嘴看燈色，，
今天的維港景色真是特別迷人呢！

最後，我和我的家人，
一起食了一餐十分豐富的晚餐。

吃完飯後，
我還和妹妹一起玩christmas carakers遊戲！

回到家後,我們便很快地上床睡著了，
還發了一個十分高興的夢。

English:

Today is the Christmas day, I very early then got out of bed.
When I get out of bed, I discovered in front of the bed in the Christmas sock has an extremely attractive gift, really makes me to be extremely surprised!
Afterwards, I then with the daddy, mother together open this gift to look that,
originally is the toy vehicle which I most like.
Dusk time,
I and daddy, mother, the younger sister then went to Tsimshatsui to look the lamp color,
today Uygur port scenery really is specially enchanting!
Finally, I and my family member,
has together eaten a meal extremely rich supper.
After finished eating the food,
I also together play christmas with the younger sister the carakers game!
After gets the home, we then very quickly went to bed have fallen asleep,
but also has sent an extremely happy dream.

The following is my attempt. Honestly I find your composition very loose, meaning ideas jump from here and there without much fluency! Also the whole passage should be in past tense.

Today is Christmas day. I woke up early and was surprised to see that there was a beautiful present stuffed inside the Christmas stocking in front of my bed. Unwrapping it together with my parents, I found it to be a toy car which I liked most. Your original is not long enough to make it 120 words. My advice is that you should read more. That will help. .....................................................

In the evening, my parents brought my sister Jane (better name your sister here first --- foreigners don't call their sister 'sister') and me to see the Christmas lights in Tsim Sha Tsui (or Tsimshatsui). Overlooking from there, the view of the Victoria harbour was so very charming (or fascinating or spectacular) ! We also had a wonderful Christmas dinner, after which my sister and I played Christmas carakers (are you sure this is the name?).

I had a sweet dream that night.

Today is Chrismas today, and I woke up a bit earlier than used to. When I get up I am very surprised that was a present on my bed. Therefore, I opened it with my parent. Then that was my dream toy. At the evening, we went out for a walk at 尖沙嘴, because 尖沙嘴was one of the most beautiful sightseein place to go around Chrismas. Afterward, we went for a Chrismas dinner, during the dinner me and my sister were having fun with thosechristmas carakers. Finally, that was my Chrismas day.


希望以後功課自己做返...(未必一定岩...比你參考下咋)

2008-08-30 23:04:13 補充：
唔係掛...成份野都好似係中文直讀英文咁......