兩篇英文作文~~可否給我一點意見~~

Well, I do not have time to read both but I have read the first one.

- The comment that I really agree with tszc9187 is the fragment in the first writing. The most notable is the last sentence:

Eddy and Edo, too, would, I truly believe, acknowledge that science and arts, after all, are parts of the whole story of humanity, after they have finally quitted the stage of callowness.
(6 commas)


Fragmented sentences are extremelly difficult to read. A simpler version is actually more welcome:
eg. I truely beleive that after Eddy and Edo have finally quitted the stage of callowness, they would acknowledge that science and arts are parts of the whole story of humanity after all.


- I do not understand some of the sentences. Could you clarify what you like to say?

For example,
Antlers of the same whole as they originally are, under no circumstance should they now be antagonistic to each other.
--> What does Antlers of the same whole mean? Maybe it is very old english, seem hard to comprehend.


regularities in our nervous system must consistently cohere with the regularities in the external environment
--> What do u mean by regularities? You mean rules? Never heard of this word either. If you mean rules, how do rules in our nervous system cohere the rules in the external world?

human beings cannot live by reason alone
--> What does it mean by living by reason? Did you mean: Live rationally, live with reasons, live up to reasons..

Artistic sense, whether born of the fear of leaving nothing on earth after one’s own death, or merely a love of beauty, or both, appears intrinsic
--> gramma seems not to be correct, hence hard to understand at first.


From Internet, electronic communications, medicine, to genetic manipulation, it has provided us much to mitigate the miseries of ailment and toil
--> Should say: They have provided us, or which have provided us.


The only thing I do not agree with tszc9187 is: "第2段開頭用when會好d"
The word 'While' can also mean 'although', I think that is what kaiyeungwong was trying to say in the writing.


Overall, the writing is quite good for a secondary school standard. If you improve from writing more fluent and smooth sentences, then it will be excellent. In terms of using vocabulary, it is of personally interest. But I'd rather leave the difficult words for novel as this type of writing in your exam should be clear and you should deliver your points effectively. Think about differences between newspaper and novel. You want your readers to understand your points and arguments.

Personally, I am really impressed with your ability to use a wide range of vocabulary under limiting time during the exam. Therefore, I am sure you will gain credit from the teachers. Just becareful of the structure of sentence.

2007-11-09 21:05:31 補充：
Please don't feel offensive here as we all just want to learn from each other in Yahoo Knowledge.

2007-11-09 21:05:54 補充：
I simply do not understand some of the sentences. I am not aware of Antlers meaning branching. All i saw this word was in some xmas songs meaing horns. Could you give me a few examples of how this word may be used?

2007-11-09 21:30:20 補充：
nothing on earth after one’s own death, or merely a love of beauty-- purely is more suitable than merely in hereSuch kind of design is sporadic nowadays.-- do u mean rare here?

第一篇
有一d Fragment, 嗯, comma 係唔代表你做緊linking.
The verity is, science and arts are tantamount to, not paramount over, each other
In the verity, science and arts are tantamount to each other and not paramount over the other.

Edo, Eddy’s brother, an equally fervent physicist, naturally, took a different view.
Edo, Eddy's brother, who is an equally fervent phtsicist, took a different view naturally.
有一d句字要諗幾次先明, 係文章的最大問題----句子不順

好的是, 有POINT 而quotation 好夾, 要是句子順點 會高分點

第二篇
inaugurated = not suitable, 好怪, 如用introduced, begin 會好d, 因為個字係俾好offical 同formal 既start
public brawling(v/adj) --> 應用 public brawl(n)

In fact, and to be perfectly honest, I chafe at the idea of disassembly.
好奇怪, 好唔似英文, 可能係我才疏學淺而已

第2段開頭用when會好d, while 係俾 at the same moment,
but what u tell is "in the same period of time"及句子太長

下面各段好 chinglish, 好似直譯咁 好怪
依篇唔會高分, 因為我睇唔明

你係好有point, 但你用既英文太over啦, 有走火入魔背字之感

p.s.
「英文這東西，愈平易自然愈好，愈少粉飾藻麗的句子愈好，愈近清順口語愈好，愈能念出來順口成章愈好。」------ 節錄自「怎樣把英文學好」 - 林語堂