✔ 最佳答案
Adjusted (調整) the tense (時態) & grammar (文法) in purple with remarks (備註) in green:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Wilson,
This morning, the Headmaster told us that you were ill and were being sent to the hospital.
(用「今早」代替「今天」的話,順理成章,可用過去式去表達之前發生的事。至於today的時態較模稜兩可,因為today也可能是現在式)
(加上that這個conjunction連接詞來串連句子,因為一句句子內不可出現多過一個動詞,除非有連接詞,如that/when/which/and等)
(were being sent to the hospital被送入院,是passive voice被動式,所以用were.....sent,中間加being現在進行式,顯示目前仍在醫院)
He also said that you might stay in the hospital for two or three weeks. The whole class was sorry to hear this bad news.
(也是漏掉連接詞that)
(校長今早的講話,以及同學們今早的反應,此部份仍然是過去式,所以不用may而改用might)
(醫院最好是指明某間醫院,所以加上the的那間醫院。有時我們會棄用the,例如,Men are amorous 花心. 由於這是泛指一般的男人,而不是指明那些男人,所以便可以略去了the)
(同學仔所描寫的 " All the boys in the class... " 有點蹩腳,既是全班同學同心,就不要分野是男仔,抑或男仔及女仔,甚或男校的全男班,簡單點明全班,以我們這一班為單位加上was,個subject主位便清晰易明了)
Therefore (所以,adv), we decide to write a letter to you.
(原文有些詞彙一再重覆使用,頗見沉悶,不如牢記一些新的vocabs生字,會令文章生色不少,不用so,改用therefore)
(信中的一句,「他們決定讓我寫一封信給你」,其實有些details細節可以略過,避免內容顯得有點累贅,總之,大家同學上下一心,給老師送上祝福,信是誰寫的,壓根兒不重要,你說對嗎?)
Besides (此外,adv), the Headmaster explained (解釋) that he would take place (代替) to teach us until your recovery (康復,noun).
(不用also,改用besides)
(不用said,改用explained)
(would,will的過去式也,此句子仍然是講述今早的話語,過去式是也)
(直到你的康復,換一個語法,務求使句子簡潔流暢,多學習如何善用noun名詞)
Hence (因此), you need not worry about us.
(不用so,用hence)
(need not 加上動詞,句子能簡化一點就最好)
We all hope that you will get well (康復) soon so as to (從而) resume (恢復,verb) the teaching (教學,noun).
(又是學生字的時候,不是說你的演譯手法不可接受,不過,就是不夠貼切,如better好d,有些模糊)
In addition (再者), we would like to visit you as soon as (一經...立即) the doctor admits (應允) to do so.
(不用also,改用In addition)
(we would like to...這是禮貌式的要求,非關時態的事情)
(不用said,改用admits,醫生隨時會答允,用回現在式便可以)
With our best regards,
(埋尾的下款了,等同Yours sincerely,但best regards含有關心和祝福的意思,用得好!)
XXX XXX XXX
---------------------------------
Form 1X the whole class
(下款寫清楚那一班,若有班代表的名字則更清楚)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
