有冇人可以 help 我睇睇 D文法有冇問題呀! THANKS..........

I was walking on the street one afternoon when suddenly i heard and saw somebody called my name and waved to me.

I was very surprised to see (her name here), because she was one my closest friend in secondary school. I asked her: " Long time no see! how long haven't we seen each other?"

My friend told me: " About 5 years...."
"Woo... that's quite a long time!" I thought.
Then i asked her if she had the time to get a drink, she said "Yes" Then we went into a coffee bar that called...oh yeah! the Paradiso Coffee!

try this...

One day in the afternoon, when I was walking on the street (road 通常是指馬路, 用street 比較好), someone called me and waved her hand. (因為你是在街上行行下遇到朋友, 所以walk 要用過去進行式-指背景行為, call & wave 要用過去式-指在背景行為中突然發生的事情)
I was so suprised (我估你的意思是指驚訝吧, suppress 是指鎮壓, 封鎖等的意思) to see (to + infinitive, 所以一定,要用see) her. Then I asked her (事倩已是過去, 要用過去式), "We haven't met for a long time! (Long time no see 是港式英語, 由"好耐無見"照譯的) How long haven't we met?" "About 5 years." my friend answered (朋友答你問題, 所以我會用answer, 用tell 都可以, 但係要用過去式). "Woo... quite a long time!" "Do you have time? Let's go for a drink!"
Then we came to (你"去"coffee shop 飲野, 所以用come to) a coffee shop called... Yeah! It is called PARADISO COFFEE!

Hope it helps, 可能仍會有錯漏, 多多指教!