請看看我這段英文有咩錯處

幸好你先讓yahoo知識的朋友們給你改這篇求職信，不然，擔保你一定落第。因為這信的文法有很多錯的地方，甚至有些地方更詞不達意，如”I meet the earnest efforts study”又如degree，因degree其中一個解釋是position in society（社會地位），所以也會容易給人誤解。我們可用qualification便可，qualification是指資格，包括：學業，專業，技能等等。
以下是改了後的內容，希望幫到你：
I am very keen to work in this profession. Although my qualification is not very high and my English (is) not good, yet I will try my best to enhance my competency by any means. I would be grateful if you would kindly grant me an opportunity.

(is):可以省略

I am interested in this profession very much although I don't have very outstanding academic performance and my English is not very good .However, I will try my best to spend more time on futher study. I deeply hope that you would like to give me a chance to work in your company.Thank you very much!

I have a huge passion on this profession, although my academic level may not meet the required qualification. Moreover, my English proficiency is not good enough, so I am eager to make more efforets in studying English.
Hopefullay, you could offer me an apportuinity to take this occupation. Thank You~~