求英文笑話

有埋中文解釋仲好~

1) The British and the Germans were fighting in a war
This British person captured three Germans and brought them to the jungle. The British person told each German to bring 10 idenitcal(same) fruits each. 30 minutes later the first German came back with ten oranges. Then the British told the first German to swallow the ten oranges one by one. If the German fidges or moans he will die, but if he swallows all ten friuts he will survive. So the first German swallowed. When He was on his fifth oranges he fidged to he got shot. Then the second German came with ten blue berries.(He is smarter) So that German swallowed the blue berries very easily. When he was on his fifth blue berry he laughed so he got shot too. Later The first German asked the second German in heavon why he laughed. If he didn't he could have been survied easily. Then the second German replied "When I was on my eighth blue berry I saw the third German coming with ten pinapples.

2)One day,Peter went to a book shop that was on sale.
Sho*****eeper:Come and buy some book!Ten dollar for a book,when you buy the second book,you can have a free ball pen!
Peter:Then of I buy the third book,what can I got?
Sho*****eeper:Hmm...three books!
Peter:...

3)A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, *When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah*.
The teacher asked, *What if Jonah went to hell?*
The little girl replied, *Then you ask him!*

4)At a wedding, there was a child that walked down the aisle. Every two steps he stopped, put his hands up in the air like claws, and gave a little roar. So it kept going. Step Step Roar, Step Step Roar. When he finally got to the altar the guests were in tears laughing. When asked why he was doing this he said, *I was the ring bear!*

5) A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

6)A man placed an ad in the classifieds: *Wife wanted.*
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: *You can have mine.*

你要乜話題先... 小朋友定系成人架.. 要講清楚要求先得. 以下幾個例子

(1) 老少咸宜笑話
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some fooling around and some simply just idling. The monkeys on top looks down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes

(2) 成人笑話 (非三級)
(i) A man was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much.
One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of cosmetics knocked on his door and asked to see his wife. The man told her that his wife wasn't home.
"Well," replied the saleswoman, "could I please wait for her?"
The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours.
The saleswoman was getting really worried, so she called out to the man and asked, "May I know where your wife is?"
"She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she returning?"
"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."

(ii) An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

(3) 成人笑話 (三級)
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

(4) 辦公室笑話
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

The king's daughter
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic -- anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his
wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the
third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?


They were M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. (What were you thinking?)

其中一個, 個網重有好多....

我有呀,睇下你0岩唔0岩用啦.

這裡有很多分類的笑話,例如:
http://www.ahajokes.com/

Animals
Aviation
Bar Jokes
Blind Jokes
Blonde Jokes
Crazy Jokes
Dumb Laws
English Car Bumpers
Ethnic Jokes
等等

另外這個是個中篇笑話,唔太長又幾好笑
http://icepox.com/freeflash/index.php?topic=Jokes

這兩個網站有埋圖片架
www.funny-jokes-n-pictures.com
www.jokesunlimited.com

這裡都有一些推薦網站:
www.lotsofjokes.com
www.jokepier.com
www.funny.com
www.joke-of-the-day.com

希望幫到你啦.
1. 英文笑話

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? ( anyone )

Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?



Caller: I'm Sam Wan ( someone ). And I need to talk to Annie Wan!
It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?



Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan ( no one ) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan ( everyone ) is on his way to the hospital.



Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You
may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee. ( sorry )

http://discuss.com.hk/viewthread.php?tid=2435353&extra=page=1



1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.



The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.



The little girl said, *When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah*.
The teacher asked, *What if Jonah went to hell?*
The little girl replied, *Then you ask him!*


2) TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: *HIJKLMNO*!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!



3) A student comes to a young professor*s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.*I would do anything to pass this exam,



* she says.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. *I mean,* she whispers, *I would do anything...



*He returns her gaze, *Anything?**Anything.*His voice softens, *Anything?**Anything,* she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. *Would you ... study?*




http://www.ajokeaday.com/

A father noticed the door of his son's room was opened, when he passed by. It was stranged that the room was quite neat not as usually.


Entering the room, he saw a letter on his son’s bed. On the envelope, It wrote: “To father.” He opened it with his shaving hands.


Dear father,

I write to you sadly. First, I have to say thank you for your fifteen years’ love and care. I will never forget about it. I have not choice but run away with Ah Zeng.


Leaving without saying goodbye, because I don’t want to raise a big uproar. Hope you understand me.



I love Ah Zeng so much. Although you disgust at her nose ring, umbilical ring and the tattoo on her hip. Those are teenagers' favorites which you and ma won't understand.









An Zeng say said it doesn't matter even you don't like her, and she will still respect you both. There is true love in our relationship except sex. She is older than me, but she said say she doesn't mind. I know clearly that our love will last forever.






Ah Zeng has my baby. You will soon happily be grandpa and grandma. We won't set limit on the number of our offspring children, as she wishes to have birth more many children.




You don't need It is not necessary to worry about our living. We are going to the a countryside where we can plant hemp. We can sell them and buy heroin to suck. I hope the drug could release her pain and medicines could cure her of AIDS in the future.





Your son
Ah Dan

P. S.
Pa, what I wrote write is was not true. Please feel easy. Where am I? I am playing Video Game in my classmate’s place. I haven't got a girl friend yet. Drink isn’t a habit with me. I just want to remind you that worse things can be happen in the world. Please open my school report transcript on my desk. I got a very low score. Please forgive me. After you calm your anger, please call my cell phone and let me know when the dinner is ready.



一 個 父 親 經 過 兒 子 的 房 間， 發 現 門 打 開 ， 覺 得 有 點 不 對 勁， 房間整 整 齊 齊，不同平時的 雜 亂 無 章 。

走 進 去 ， 他 看 到 床 的 中 間 擺 一 封 信 ， 上 面 寫 有 ： 「 致 爸 爸 」 。用 發 抖 的 手 ， 他 把 信 封 打 開 。

親 愛 的 爸 爸 ：

我 抱 沉 重 又 悲 哀 的 心 情 寫 這 封 信 。 首 先 ， 我 要感 謝 您 ， 這 十 五 年 來 養 之 恩 ， 我 是 一 生 也 不 會 忘 記 。 我 是 迫 不 得 已 ， 才 和 阿 珍 私 奔 的 。

不 辭 而 別 ， 是 不 願 意 看 到 您 和 我 大 吵 大 鬧 ， 希 望 您 明 白 我 的 心 情 。

我 實 在 是 很 愛 阿 珍 的 ， 雖 然 你 們 看 不 慣 她 穿 鼻 針 ， 還 有 她 肚 臍 中 的 鐵 環 、 屁 股 上 的 刺 青 ， 但這 都 是 年 輕 人 喜 歡 做 的 事 ， 您 和 媽 媽 是 不 會 了 解 的 。

就 算 你 們 不 喜 歡 她 ， 阿 珍 也 說 不 要 緊 ， 她 還 是 照 樣 尊 敬 你 們 兩 位 。 我 們 之 間 的 愛 ， 並 不 止 於 性 慾 ， 而 是 真 正 的 感 情 ， 雖 然 她 比 我 大 很 多 ， 但 她 說 她 不 介 意 ， 我也 很 清 楚 我 們 會 互 相 愛 ， 一 生 一 世 。

阿 珍 已 經 懷 有 孩 子 ， 你 們 將 很 快 地 做 祖 父 祖 母 ， 是 值 得 高 興 的 事 ， 阿 珍 和 我 並 不 會 節 育 ， 她說 要 為 我 生 多 幾 個 。

請 不 必 為 我 們 的 生 活 擔 心 ， 在 我 們 去 的 鄉 下 ， 我 們 可 以 種 些 大 麻 ， 然 後 賣 給 朋 友 ， 換 取 一 些可 卡 因 和 海 洛 英 來 吸 食 。 在 這 過 程 中 ， 我 希 望 這 些 毒 品 可 以 減 少 她 的 痛 苦 ， 希 望 有 朝 一 日 ， 她 的 愛 滋 病 得 到 解 藥 ， 她一 定 會 醫 好 的 。

你 的 兒 子
阿 丹 上

附筆
爸 爸 ， 我 所 寫 的 事 ， 都 不 是 真 的 ， 請 您 放 心 好 了 ， 我 ? 在 在 同 學 家 打 遊 戲 機 ， 沒 有 女 朋 友， 也 沒 有 喝 酒 。 我 只 是 想 提 醒 您 ， 這 世 上 會 有 更 壞 的 事 ， 請 打 開 書 桌 上 的 學 校 成 績 表 ， 分 數太 差 ， 請 原 諒 。 又 ， 如 果 您 息 怒 了 ， 請 打 我 的 手 機 叫 我 回 來 吃 飯 。

1. I was helping a friend of mine with his roadside farm stand when a man stopped by and asked how much the eggs were. “Sixty cents for the small, 70cents for the medium, 90 cents for the large and 30 cents for the cracked ones,” I answered. “All right,” he said. “Crack me a dozen of the large ones.”

2. A DRUNK WALKED into a lounge. After staring at a beautiful woman who was sitting at the bar for ten minutes, he sauntered over to her and kissed her on the mouth. She jumped up and slapped him hard. "I'm sorry," he said. "I thought you were my wife. You look like her." "Ugh. Get away from me you worthless, insufferable, no-good drunk!" she yelled. "Wow," he said. "You even sound like her."

3. "Pour me a double whisky, I've just had an argument with my wife," Mike tells Charlie the bartender. "Oh, yeah?" says Charlie. "Who won?" "Put it like this," says Mike. "When it was all said and done, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "Really?" says Charlie. "What did she say?" "'Come out from under the bed you sniveling little coward.

4.A Small Dragon
Xiao-long: Ma, why did you name me Xiao-long (a small dragon)?
Mother: Because when I was pregnant with you, I dreamed of a small
dragon.
Xiao-long: Oh! I see. . .But, but, but, if what you dreamed of was not
a small dragon, but a small pig, then . . .

5.A Busy Patient
Patient: Doctor, I feel so weak.
Doctor: Okay, let me check.
Patient: What's wrong with me?
Doctor: You are physically exhausted. You need more nutrition.
Patient: How can I get enough nutrition quickly? I am a very busy man.
Doctor: Intravenous drip.
Patient: How long would it take?
Doctor: A couple of hours.
Patient: (Points to the intravenous drip bottle) May I drink it? I can
finish it in three minutes.
　
6.Daydream
Lucy: Do you dream at nighttime?
Jack: No, I only dream at daytime

　
7.A Window Seat
A: Which do you prefer, a window seat or an aisle seat?
B: I always prefer a window seat.
A: Why?
B: In case some bad thing happen I can jump out from it.

8.Salt and Blood Pressure
Father: Shut up! Don't tell your father how to manage our business. I
have eaten more salt than you have rice!
Son: Yes, sir. But no wonder your blood pressure is getting so high.

Why does 9 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9! (789, seven Eight nine)

I am a man
I have a pen
I have a friend
His name is Ben

http://www.jokepier.com/