誠請各老師和 高手 告訴本人那裡出錯? 修改一翻 : 會考自修生懇求

Dear Aunt and Uncle,

How are you? I felt so sorry that I lost your son, and I hope that you would forgive me. My parents also think that I should explain to you how this could happen on me.

Last Saturday, I looked after my cousin as you asked me while you went away. However, my cousin and I felt bored, so I decided to take him to a park for a walk where it is not far from my home. While we were walking along the flower path, my mobile phone rang and I answered it immediately. I finished the call in ten seconds, then I looked for my cousin, but he had disappeared. It all happened so quickly. I started screaming for him and tried to find out him but I could not. I began to get worried and burst into tears. I looked up and down the path again. When I passed a place where a lot of pets ran into, I saw a kid standing by a pond and looking at a rabbit. I was very pleased because he was my cousin. I realized that he caught after a rabbit and the rabbit lead him to the place. Probably, this is my first time to look after a kid, so I had no experience at all. Anyways, it was my fault and no one to be blamed but myself.

I hope you would forgive me and I promise I would never make the same mistake again!

Lots of love,



Chris

Dear Aunt and Uncle, (上下款統一用逗號)

How are you? (先寫為什麼要寫這封信的原因，最好的方法是抄題目，一定無錯) While you were away for the weekend and asked me to look after cousin, I let him get lost. (get lost是個phrase，cousin 不是一件物件，不能就這麼說 lost him，通常這麼說的時候是他死了) I am very (不要用felt，因為你現在還在內咎，不可用past tense) sorry about it and I hope that you may forgive me (forgive somebody原諒我，不會說forgive my fault原諒我的錯，要原諒必定有些東西做錯了，不用再細說我的錯). My mother thinks (第三身單數加s) that I should tell you about the incident (incident=事件).

Last Saturday (上個星期六，不是下個，另外，用了last/next後的日子前面不用再加On), you were away. I looked after my cousin as you asked me to. (不用however) Cousin and I soon felt bored so we decided go to the park. The park is not far from my home. While we were walking along the path, my mobile phone rang and I answered it at once. Ten seconds later, after I answered the call and turned round, I could not see cousin anywhere. It all happened too quickly. I shouted out his name and tried to look for (find out是發現) him but I could not. I started to get worried and bursted (past tense!) into tears. I ran up and down the path again and again to look for him (可以把效果加強一些). When I came to the pets' area, I saw a child (kid太俗語，應用child) standing by the pond, looking at a rabbit. I was overwhelmed (可以用個較強的詞彙) because I could recognise that he was cousin. He explained to me that he was chasing after a rabbit and it led (past tense of lead is led) him there. Probably this is because it was my first time looking after a young child (句式最好跟文題), I did not pay attention to the details. (如過說 no experience就會等如my first time looking after ...，會repeat了意思) (anyways 是較casual的說法，在這裡用會顯得沒有誠意) This was my fault and I know I need to take the responsibility and blame.

I promise I will never make the same mistake again and I hope you can (present tense) forgive me. (先說你的承諾才叫人原諒你)

Lots of love,
Chris

Dear Aunt and Uncle:

How are you? I hope you had a wonderful time. However, during your vacation something happened: for half an hour I lost your son. My mother thinks that I should explain the incidence in writing. I hope you would understand and forgive my fault.
[Don’t jump into the content so suddenly. Explain why you’re writing and line up the consequences.]

On last [Not next Saturday, next is in future] Saturday, you were away for traveling. I was looking after my cousin as you asked me. However, we both felt bored so I decided to take him to a park for a walk. The park is not far from my home. While we were walking along the flower path, suddenly, my mobile phone started to ring and I answered it at once. Ten seconds later, after I answered the call and looked round, I could not see my cousin. It all happened so quickly. I shouted out his name and tried to find him [find out means investigating; find means to look for] but I could not. I began to get worried and burst into tears. I looked up and down the path again. When I came to the mini zoo [a place where a lot of pets live in can be simply called a zoo], I saw a kid standing by a tree looking at a rabbit [pond may make people think the rabbit was in the water, use a tree]. I was so happy because he was my cousin! He told me that he was trying to catch a rabbit and followed the rabbit to there. Probably, this is my first time to look after for a young person [people is plural], so I had no any experience at all. It was my fault and I had no one to blame but myself. [I was no one to blame means I should not be blamed.]
I hope you would forgive me and I promise I would concentrate all of my attention on my little cousin every second if I am to look after him again.
[will not make the same fault is too passive, try come up with your SOLUTION, what you’d do to avoid similar mistakes.]

Lots of love,

Chris

<><><><><><>
Nice, remember to stick to past tense. The sentences are simple and nice. Re-read the article and look for things that can be simplified. (like a place in where a lot of animals live, which is a zoo or farm, etc.).

Dear Aunt and Uncle, (用逗號)
How are you? I felt so sorry that I had lost your son and I hope that you would forgive me (唔使用 my fault). My mother also thinkS I should tell you how did the accident happen.
On LAST WEEKEND, I was looking after my cousin as you were away. I decided to talk him out for a walk in a park. The park was not far from my home. While we were walking along the flower path, my mobile phone started to ring suddenly and therefore I answered it. A while after I answered the call, I looked around and my cousin was not within my sight. It all happened so quickly. I was shouting for him and tried to find him out but I couldn't find him. I began to panic and bursted into tears. I was looking for him around th path again and again. When I arrived at a place where there were a lot of pets and I saw a kid standing by a pond and was looking at a rabbit. I was relieved because he was my cousin. I realised that he was chasing after (唔會用 catch after) a rabbit and was led to that place. It was probably my first time looking after a young kid and I had no experience with it at all. (呢度唔好用 anyway) It was my fault and there was no one to blame but myself.
I sincerely apologise for what have happened and I promise I would never make the same mistake again.

Lots of love,
Chris

My cousin 同 your son 仲好用個名代替

2007-02-06 02:34:43 補充：
同埋 anyways 係傾計至會用.. 作文千祈唔好用