誠請各老師和 高手 告訴本人那裡出錯? 修改一翻 : 會考自修生懇求

It cannot only make our school more secure against burglary, but it also assures our belongings more safe. ---> It not only makes....., but [] also....

.. system would make them less free, No matter what they do, No matter where they are. --> system would make them lose privacy, no matter what they do or where they are.

There is no such phrase "less free" in English; no capital after a comma.

Once the teachers just sit in the office... --> "When teachers" or "When a teacher" sit(s) in office.....

... you use too many "the" without reason.

Sorry, don't have time to go through it completely... basically a good writing.. read more English books and you will improve : )

C How commented

(第一句應該講講這篇文章關於甚麼，不要留待第二句才講，現在好像欠了一個brief introduction.) Our school is planning to set up a new security system. I think there are more advantages than disadvantages to it. It would not (因為未發生，所以要用would)only better protect our school against burglary, but also assure the safety of our properties and belongings. (not only ... but also，用bare infinitive)

Some students may think that setting up a new security system would take away their freedom (小心用 'make' 一字，不要濫用). No matter what they do or where they are will be recorded. Teachers need only to sit in their office and look at the monitor, and they can know everything happening in the school. However, in my opinion, people who say that are only the naughty students, who are afraid that their misbehaviors would be found. (原本的一句sentence structure太複雜)

On the contrary, some of good students, like me, think that this is a piece of good news. (一件news，news之前要加量詞 a piece of，另外，句子太長，宜cut 作兩句 ) The new system can allow us to study anywhere in the school, such as library or computer room, without worrying about our safety. If a student (the 會指明是某一個，所以宜用a student) is in danger or any kind of trouble, the teachers may immediately know about it and and take actions instantly. Moreover, the new system can protect our school facilities, which are extremely expensive, against robberies and thefts.

In conclusion, although the new system brings a lot of advantages, it also need a lot of money for support and maintainence. This may increase the burden of our school. If we can adjust the number of monitors, (你要說的是size還是它的規模?) for example setting them only in the classrooms of the junior forms, (為什麼只是junior forms的classroom? 宜加computer room、library，入面有名貴器材的房間) it can reduce the expenses of our school and achieve its efficiency at the same time.