誠請各老師和 高手 告訴本人那裡出錯? 修改一翻 : 會考自修生懇求

Okay, let's do it one by one... I put my version inside [ ] and my comment inside { }.

~First paragraph~

Hong Kong students are not easy to look for help.
[Hong Kong students face difficulty in lookinf for help.]
{Or better, make your topic sentence more striking:}
[It is difficult to be a student in Hong Kong.]

We need to face a lot of problems by our own.
[We have to face numerous problems by ourselves.]
{Better if you further explain the types of problems:}
[We have a wide array of problems to face: study, family, future, friends, and love.]

If we talk to someone who may be our parents or our teachers, the more we talk, the more they dislike.
[Most of the time, conversations about the above problems are not welcomed by our parents and teachers. As they may also find these difficult issues in life.]
{Your major problem here is OVER GENERALIZING. Always leave some possibility of counter example. Do not say All teachers dislike students with questions, say Some of the teachers may dislike students with questions. And remember my friend, the person who is going to grade your exam paper is very likely to be a teacher, so do not dig your own grave.}

They only say that we are not mature so we make such a large number of problems.
[Common believes among the adults are that immaturity causes us problems, and those problems will go away once we grow up.]

They treat us as if we are ignorant students.
[We really would like to be treated as an adult, but such demand is often lacking.]
{This is a good example of your over generalizing. Most teachers would be irritated after reading your sentence.}

On the other hand, at school, the same problem we face to.
{This sentence suggests that you have been talking about your non-school life. But you did mention teachers previously. So, either take the teacher idea away before this line, or change the sentence into:}
[At school, attention and help are not given to the ones who need the most.]

Some of students who are less clever than others, they should acquire more help from teachers.
{Acquire is an active action. If you mean help that goes them, it should be:}
[Students who are academically worse off should receive more teachers' assistance and attention.]

However, they are only not paid more attention. Instead, they would be given up by teachers. On the contrary, the cleverer students who are treated with care.
[However, that is not the case. The under performers might be given up by teachers, while the cleverer students enjoy exclusive care.]
{I changed these last two sentences to grammatically correct. BUT, I think your idea needs a lot of example and arguement. When you blame someone for being discriminatory, it is a big thing, and you should not tell such story without concrete proof or support.}

2007-02-03 02:33:24 補充：
~Second paragraph~ The most difficult problem is that we need to deal with a large number of homework.[One of the hardship is large amount of homework.]{Homework is usually used as uncountable, so do not say large number of...}We realized that homework is essential.{Nice.}

2007-02-03 02:34:09 補充：
However, we believe that the more we do, it doesn’t mean the more we learn.[However, we believe that assignment with repeated content and boring format will not improve learning.]

2007-02-03 02:34:36 補充：
{You really need to consider using some adjective here. You have to tell the readers that you do not hate homework just because it is homework, you hate it because it is the same old thing over and over again! And you demand more creative way of teaching and learning.}

2007-02-03 02:36:58 補充：
Sorry... the word number limit is over... I'll email you my response.

Hong Kong students LIKE ME ENCOUNTER DIFFICULTIES IN SEEKING HELP.
We need to face a lot of problems ON our own.
If (or WHEN) we talk to someone SUCH AS our parents or our (U CAN DELETE THIS our) teachers, the more we talk, the more they dislike US. They only say that we are not mature so we CREATE SO MANY problems. PARENTS treat us as if we are ignorant CHILDREN.
SIMILARLY, WE HAVE TO FACE THE SAME PROBLEM AT SCHOOL. Some of students (either SOME STUDENTS or SOME OF THE STUDENTS) who are NOT AS CLEVER AS others, they (U CAN DELETE THIS they) should RECEIVE more help from teachers.

However, they are BEING IGNORED.
Instead (U CAN DELETE THIS instead), they would be given up by teachers.
[= However, they are being ignored and are abandoned by teachers.]

On the contrary, the cleverer (replace the cleverer by BRIGHTER and don't need THE) students who (don't need WHO here) are treated with care.
The most difficult problem is that we need to deal with a large number of homework.
We realized (present tense, no D = REALIZE) that DOING homework is essential.

However, we believe that (don't need WE BELIEVE THAT) the more we do doesn’t mean the more we learn. This is not the BEST way to learn such a wide variety of knowledge at school; it only makes us become machines.
[= However, the more we do does not mean the more we learn. This is not the best way to gain such a wide variety of knowledge at school, as it would only turn us into machines. ]

The above problem is not easy to SOLVE (don't need THAT),
(ADD) the situation can be undone / improved if students are to receive more supports.
The (don't need THE) Parents should spend more time on their CHILDREN and the (don't need THE) teacherS should take good care of ALL students REGARDLESS OF THEIR INTELLECT / INTELLECTUAL ABILITIES .

Moreover, the(don't need THE) teachers should give homework to students with more intelligence so that the students have more advantage except studying.
[= (Moreover), Beside giving standard homework to students, teachers should also educate us with critical and logical thinking; such that we may develope other aspects of our abilities through schooling.]

Hong Kong students finding difficulties in asking for help. A lot of problems need to be solved by ourselves.
We would like our parents & teachers taking care on us. We like to talk to our parents and our teachers, but the more we talk, the more they dislike. At home, our parents might say we are not mature enough to solve all our problems, and they think we are ignorant . On the other hand, we have to face a lot of problem at school. Some students are slower learners, they should acquire more help from the teachers; however, we find that the teachers do not give enough support to those slower learners, whom would be given up by teachers. As a result, only the cleverest students who are taking care from the teachers.
We find out that the most difficult problem is to deal with a large amount of homework; we realize the homework is essential. However, we believe that the more we do, it does not mean the more we learn. This is not the way to learn such a wide variety of knowledge in a short period of school term. It only makes us become machines and cannot digest on what we learn.
All the above problems are not easy to be solved. As a conclusion, The parents should spend more time on their sons; and the teachers should take good care of their students no matter they are clever or stupid. Moreover, the teachers should give out homework in a proper way, so the students can spare more time to study.