英文周記........唔該幫我睇下文法有冇錯

This is better :
In the christmas holidays,I worked in Macau's Tower,but I was very happy.Because I earned $200 a night. After I had finished the work,my good friends and I had some syrup. And then,I went to my friend's house.I played the computer,while he was sleeping.I went back home at five o'clock.

Looks like you had a cool Christmas!

In christmas holidays
> 記得Christmas要用大寫，而holiday則只是單數，因為是一個假期。由於句中的Christmas是作形容詞用，所以Christmas前就要有個article，在這句中該用the，因為是指定性的。In the Christmas holiday, ... 你也可以寫During Christmas, ... 這樣寫已足夠表達在聖誕假期的意思。

I worked in Macau's Tower
> 該寫成in the Macau Tower

But I was happy
> 文法沒錯，但意思想有點兒怪。在澳門塔工作又不是件苦差，為何要用but作連接詞呢？

I earns $200 a night.
> I 是第一身單數，所以動詞是不會加s的。另外，由於句子的時態是過去，所以你該用earned。第三點，除非你要刻意指出你是在晚間工作的，通常的寫法是$200 a day。

Had finished the work, my good friends and I went to eat syrup.
> 句中少了一個連接詞；你可以用when。動詞had finished不太正確，因為你所說的所有事情都是過去，除非你只是工作了一夜，否則你不該用past perfect tense。「糖水」（糖漿）才是syrup；外國人通常只會出外吃甜品，所以你可以簡單地用個desserts字，陯非你要特意指出你吃甚麼。 When I finished work, my good friends and I went to have desserts.

（看到此處，我覺得你好像只是在澳門塔做了一晚的工作。那麼，句子I earned $200 a night並不正確。你要寫成：I earned $200 that night.）

And then, I went to my friend's house.
>OK

I was playing computer, but he was sleep.
>句中的意思是並列的，該用同一個時態。他在睡是「he was asleep」（sleep是動詞，asleep是形容詞）。你是玩電腦遊戲，不是玩電腦。I played computer games, but he was asleep.

I went to my home at five o'clock.
>I went home at five o'clock.

I worked in Macau Tower during christmas holiday. I was very happy because I've earned $200 a night. After work, I went to have chinese dessert with my good friends and headed to one of my friend's house later on. I played on his computer while he was alseep. I went back back home at around 5 o'clock in the morning.

(I assume you're talking about just one night otherwise the whole 周記 doesn't make sense at all...)

--During the Christmas holidays (was it only one day or multiple days? Christmas should have a capital C, not christmas.),
- I worked in Macau's Tower.
- However (don't use But to start a sentence), I was very happy because I earned $200 a night. (The because sentence should not stand alone, it's a reason and should be said with the situation together. YOU FEEL HAPPY because YOU EARNED MONEY.)
- After work, my friend and I went to have sweet soup (Do you mean food like Red bean soup/ Green bean soup that are sweet? Those kinds of food are called Sweet soup, not syrup) (You said it's Christmas holiday{S}, did you do it with your friend every night? Or just one night? You'll have to explain that)
- Then I went to his home for some computer games but my firend was so tired that he fell asleep. (You don't play the computer, you play computer games)
- I left at five o'clock in the morning.

我可以幫你改小小
In christmas holidays,I worked in Macau's Tower. I was very happy because I earn(past tense) $200 a night.Afterf inished the work,my good friends and I went to eat syrup.Then,I went to my friend's house.I played the computer in his home when he was sleeping.At last I went back to my home at five o'clock.
ok啦