有沒有人可以幫我改一改文法&改通順一點??(英文好的請進)

According to the 2000 census, the city has a population of 6 million and a metropolitan population of 12.6 million. Thus, it is the most populous city in the province and the fifth most populous city in China. Moreover, the census also reveals that of every 100,000 of the population, 9,309 had received tertiary education.
Most of the foreigners in Guangdong are from other Asian countries such as Korea, Japan, Malaysia, etc..
Notes:

A population of 6 million is good enough. Not need to say "a population of 6 million people".
"It makes the most populous city...." What does "it" mean? I would rather say it is the most populous city.....
Personally, I prefer "fith most populous city in China" instead of "fifth most populous in China".
"Morevoer, it shows that..." Again, what does "it" means here? I would rather spell out "the census".
By "college education", do you mean univesity or tertiary education? In the US, college means university. That is my guess because if only 9309 out of 100000 are educated, then the rate is very low. To avoid confusion, I would rather use "tertiary education" instead of "college education". Also, it is better to say "had received tertiary education" instead of " have a college education".

According to the census conducted in 2000, Guangzhou has a population of 6 million in the rural area and 12.6 million in the metropolitan area, that makes it the most populous city of the province and rank fifth around China in terms of population. Moreover, the statistics shows that 9,309 out of 100,000 local residents have received college education. The majority of foreigners in Guandong come from such neighbouring countries as Korea, Japan, Malaysia, etc.

According to the 2000 census, Hong Kong is a city with a population of 6 million and a metropolitan population of 12.6 million. Thus, it is the most populous city in the province and the fifth most populous city in China. Moreover, the census indicated that 9,309 in every 100,000 people have a college education. It also revealed that most of the foreigners in Guangdong are come from the other Asian countries such as Korea, Japan, Malaysia, etc.

According to the 2000 census, the city has a population of 6 million people and a metropolitan population of 12.6 million. Hence is the most populous city in the province and the 5th most populous in China. It shows that, of every 100,000 people, 9,309 are educated. Moreover, most of the foreigners in Guangdong are from other Asian countries, such as Korea, Japan and Malaysia etc